Tuesday, June 18, 2019

"Same Ol' Walls"

In 1961, Faron Young recorded a song called "Hello Walls". Well, I think he and I must be kindred souls from different generations because I'm familiar with some walls of my own. I feel like I've been walking around the same ones for years, and I've grown familiar enough with them to talk to them. I'm not sure at what point I will find my way to the other side of them, or when they will finally come down altogether. God knows I've tried everything to make them fall or to get over them, around them, or through them. I suspect I feel a lot like the children of Israel marching around Jericho on day six...exhausted, frustrated, exasperated, and engaged in a pointless, mindless cycle of maddening monotony in which NOTHING appears as if anything is changing at all! Well, I did have a heart attack almost three months ago, so that was different. Come to think of it, it’s the “weight” (or is it "wait"?) of my process, and the continual “deferred hopes” that contributed to that heart attack, right? If God would just tell me how many more times I have to drag my weary carcass around these walls, at least that would give me some sense of hope. But as it is, I feel a bit like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day". At some point, it just becomes an exercise in expressionless repeat and redundant sameness! I'm on fumes, and I'm out of ideas. If one more person tries to feed me the same old cliches', scriptures, and motivational catchphrases, I swear, I'll punch them right in the mouth! All that's left is to wait. I trust my Father, although I feel like a forgotten, unwanted stepchild at present. I'll breathe my last believing He loves me, He is with me, He is for me, and He WILL answer me and fulfill the desires HE has given me, which won't subside. But until He's ready, what more is there for me to do? I'm done! At least He's holding me, and that's all I have for now! And I guess while I’m staring into space, drooling, and humming inaudibly under my breath, like some sort of mesmerized zombie, I can at least remember, try to rest in, and hold on to the second part of the “hope deferred” scripture...”Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”--Proverbs 13:12
So walls, I’m tired of talking to you, and I’m sure done with seeing you over and over again. Here’s to hoping that, unlike Faron telling you “hello”, I’ll soon be able to tell you, “BYE BYE”!

P.S. I certainly don’t intend to offend in saying this, but please don’t pity me, or feel compelled to list a scripture verse, cliche’, or personal encouragement out of sympathy for me. I’ll be fine! I’m loved perfectly, and I’m destined to win! God’s got me, and He’s got an amazing “demolition” job planned for these walls. I’m just letting my humanity “decompress” through sharing this. I am just flat out exhausted and on fumes, which is where I’ve often been over the past 5 years. Thankfully though, it’s when we are at this helpless, desperate place where He lovingly and powerfully finds us and He sends His greatest breakthroughs. I’m just sharing this to offer YOU a story that maybe you can relate to, and be encouraged by. You don’t have to act like you understand His timing, His path, or His silence. Your attitude doesn’t have to always be great, nor do you have to put on “airs” like you are never discouraged, somehow hoping you’ll impress others or even God with your “superhuman” piety and devotion. God surely knows you better than that. And anyway, anyone who tries to act like “Chris or Christy Christian” at every hellacious enemy attack, or the unpredictable ups and downs in the often fluctuating emotions and circumstances of their journey, is most likely not be being real with the challenges in their process. People relate to real, not perfection! ;-)