Thursday, January 4, 2018

"The End?"

 This might seem like a bit of a “dark” note, but read all the way to the end. Although it is a raw, transparent expression, deep beneath the tumultuous surface of the sea of this weary soul, there is a calm where the reality of Christ in me holds me in an unrelenting grip of perfect love & faithfulness. There is truly an amazing Light at the end of this tunnel. We have the ultimate Hope! And He is never absent from where we may be, even when we feel that there isn’t much of “US” left to give. Be encouraged! “But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.” Psalms 3:3 ESV

      How do you know if you’re arriving at the end of yourself? Are there indicators in your emotions? Or do you simply reach a place where you are too emotionally and mentally exhausted to offer up any emotional response or basic coherent mental “functionality”? Do you feel as if your self worth itself is up for debate? Do you find yourself without any natural energy, even for elementary and mundane tasks? Do you begin to question if your family would actually be better off without you? Do you entertain the notion that, although your process and journey have taken a long time, and you know that surely your “spirit” must have grown significantly, you still feel as though you are no further along now than you were at the start of the whole process, and you are STILL hijacked by the same issues you have battled from the beginning? Is there a relentless fear, shame, and insecurity that seems to be growing stronger in its attacks on your heart and mind? Do you feel forgotten or rejected by pretty much everyone? Do you find yourself starting to believe that you were meant for nothing more than to have your ass busted over & over in the furnace of preparation and constant deferred hope, but never meant to finally experience “breakthroughs” in this life? Do you feel powerless to live from the place where God has been building you, and instead, you continually fall into the pattern of living according to your ever-present circumstances, failures and missed opportunities, cycles of maddening “stop, start, repeat”, and perpetual self-loathing? Do you find yourself apologizing to seemingly everyone for everything about yourself? Do you feel like a “leper”, avoided by everyone, the one who always reaches, but no one seems to reach back? Do the liabilities of your personality and nature overwhelm you, and though you fight like hell to settle in, rest, and live from the place of your true identity, you just can’t seem to break the “one step forward, two steps back” pattern of living? Do you have to continually fight the urge to give in to the “screw it all” mindset? Do you find yourself bargaining with God, begging Him to give some sustained relief, and trying to influence Him with some sort of personal life journey “resume”?  If any of these “symptoms” are indicative of reaching the end of yourself, then thankfully my long, dark season (at least that’s the way it has “seemed” to my natural man) has not been wasted. In fact, it has been a most joyous process. So, along with me, take heart & rejoice, for in this case, “The End Is Near” is an exciting proposition, instead of some doomsday proclamation. For it’s at the end of yourself where you find the beginning of your true identity. That identity that you were created for, to enjoy and thrive, and live In Him, not in the “best version” of your old self, but a brand new identity. Life lived from THAT reference point is truly abundant, and it’s worth coming to the end.