Tuesday, October 31, 2017

"Nothing Left"

Most folks on my social media lists probably don't take the time to read my "lengthier" posts, and I debated on whether or not to share something so raw and present in my life. Probably because I see some people who post EVERYTHING on Facebook without wisdom, discernment, or self-respect, and I certainly won't go down that path. Although a few close friends and family do, most do not know the "up close & personal" about the journey I've been on for a long time, and the prolonged challenges I've faced--some of them seemingly stuck on "repeat". But maybe someone in a "bewildering", never-seems-to-end season of life can relate to the delay and hurt of hopes deferred, setback, rejection, and frustration, and gain encouragement from my process. And if a burned out, wearied soul or two, exhausted from waiting and feeling forgotten can somehow find a lifeline of hope, help, validation, and a renewed trust in God’s timing, His love, and His promises, then I'll gladly take the risk of posting from a vulnerable state, here in the waiting room of the labor & delivery suite where my faith is exhausted, but His Faith is inexhaustible, as I hold on to His faithfulness, reflect on His words, remember & repeat His promises, and try to somehow rest in His unrelenting grip of Grace. Blessings, DaRon


"Nothing Left"

Every tear has fallen.
Every fist has been shaken and slammed in frustration.
Every self-analysis has been exhausted.
Every question has been asked.
Every self-loathing regret has been leveled.
Every “What did I do or NOT do?” has been tortuously replayed in my memory.
Every misplaced blame has been identified.
Every “answer” has been repeated and held onto, even without evidence seen.
Every confession has been made.
Every forgiveness has been asked for and given, to me and from me to others.
Every responsibility for every choice and consequence has been accepted.
Every declaration of faith has been passionately stated.
Every possible cause or effect has been subjected to analysis to the point of mental fatigue and emotional flat line.
Every admission of guilt behind these cyclical circumstances has been confessed.
Every accusation toward God has been hurled.
Every sincere apology has been echoed from my heart.
Every anger-spewing rant, followed by salty tears of resignation and a “new” temporary emotional “jump start” has been displayed to death from me in a repetitious, mind-numbingly NEVERENDING, stuck-on-repeat cyclical song of despair.
Every deferred hope has been a stab to my heart and a rug pulled out from under my trust.
Every “just keep patiently waiting” has beaten the life out of every dream I’ve been hanging onto for years.
Every bit of strength is gone.
Every back up plan has been abandoned to YOUR plan alone.
And every bit of me has been emptied out at your feet.
I’ve got nothing left.
Nothing…………only trust in YOU.
And though it doesn’t “feel” like it, THAT is the strongest, most sure foundation I could ever stand on. Of course, at this point, I don’t feel like I’m standing, but rather, YOU are faithfully holding me up!