Tuesday, July 11, 2017
In the throes of raw, emotion-fueled, uncensored frustration, from depths I've never known.
Intense fear, toxic anger, condemning, accusing thoughts that shame me to the bone.
Accusations born from circumstances that I just can't understand.
I have aimed them all at you, my Father, yet you won't release my hand.
I feel so useless, so abandoned, so exhausted without a clue.
How can there still be more of me left to heal, to purge, to undo.
There is nothing left to say, no more ideas, I'm all out of "tries".
It's simply for YOU that I cry, it's only the light of Your love that will expose all these lies.
You knew me, chose me, and destined me before I'd lived a single hour.
Please come now and take this fear, this guilt, this anger from my heart, and replace it with Your power.
You've given me identity through the blood of Your Son. And by Your grace, through faith alone, I have overcome.
Jesus DID pay the full price for our righteousness and redemption, and He DID suffer the full condemnation of sin in His own body at the Cross, but as far as humanity is concerned, He didn't come on a mission of condemnation but of salvation. Perhaps those that claim to speak on His behalf should realign with His heart!
For years, I resisted the "call" to ministry. I always defined myself, not by who I was in Christ, but by my talents and people's acceptance and validation of those. My heart has always been passionate for intimacy with God, living in Christ and sharing His life with others, and the Kingdom of God. But from the environments that I was a part of, and mindsets I'd been exposed to, "ministry" was so limited, and seemed to be so contrived and subject to the control and abilities of man. I didn't fit into any of the "expressions" of ministry that I saw. I never quite understood why the desires and gifts that God had placed in my heart never seemed to find an effective place in what "ministry" looked like in the religious world around me. I always felt weird, out of place, and too unconventional to function the way so many other "ministers" seemed to function in those environments. For the past 16 years, God has unfolded in me an understanding of the depth of what it means to be "called". The simple yet powerful message of Identity in Christ has consumed me, and I've experienced a love for the gospel that I hadn't known in 35 years of being "raised" in church. I'm so grateful and thankful for the faithfulness and patience of God, and for a dad and mom who, beyond everything they were a part of and the influences they experienced through the years on their journey of Grace, always emphasized intimacy with God, a prayer life, and the reality of Jesus Christ and Him crucified. Today, I am humbled and honored to say I am a minister of the Gospel. It's not a career, it's a life calling, and a creative one at that. I don't know where or how God may invite me to engage others with the good news and the amazing abundant Life reality of Jesus for the sake of His Kingdom, but I'm excited beyond words to watch it unfold.