Thursday, June 29, 2017

"Spent But Safe"

I'm finding out what it means to feel completely helpless, and quite frankly, IT SUCKS! For whatever reason, at THIS time in my life, a force much greater than I could conjure up, seems to be imposing the will of stillness and utter helplessness on me. Sadly, the realization that my chief motivation has been people's perspective and an addiction to their approval has put me in an "emotional fetal position". I can do nothing! In this helpless space, where I'm completely defenseless, I find my difficulty compounded by severe feelings of anger, resentment, and bitterness--toward my past, toward others, and at times, toward God Himself. I feel like a wounded animal on the Serengeti at feeding time--completely vulnerable, and desperately dependent on something outside of me to rescue me. The one thing that seems to give hope to my heart is the truth that the "something outside me" is actually very much inside me as well! That truth is a constant, even though circumstances, feelings, emotions, and people may try to convince me otherwise! I am held by LOVE HIMSELF!!!! I am safe in HIM, safe enough to scream, be angry, be bitter, question vehemently, get pissed off to the point of using extreme language, (Pharisees can stop reading here) and throw my hands up in disgust! I AM SAFE WITH LOVE HIMSELF!!! I trust LOVE HIMSELF! He holds me a little tighter each day, through the pain, the frustration, the silence....HE NEVER LEAVES! Through my tears of perceived rejection, my desire to FIGHT, my selfish whine of entitlement, my lack of ANY motivation.....HE HOLDS ME CLOSER STILL! And that LOVE causes me to surrender yet again to the Lover of my Soul!

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